


I Get That a Lot

by oppiyyy



Category: BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, F/F, Internalized Homophobia, coming to terms with sexuality
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-17
Updated: 2018-11-17
Packaged: 2019-08-25 02:08:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16652284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oppiyyy/pseuds/oppiyyy
Summary: Everything is the same as usual with Himari and Tomoe’s friendship. All until feelings come loose from who knows where, and Himari doesn’t know how to sort it out.





	I Get That a Lot

“Himari-chan!” she heard a voice yell, along with the running footsteps of multiple people. They had finally caught up to her… Himari was glad she wouldn’t have to walk alone anymore. Apparently, something had held Tomoe up, and Moca and Tsugu were helping her with it. She didn’t have time to figure out what it was exactly, so she couldn’t possibly imagine what it was. Except when she turned around, Moca and Tomoe were holding brown paper bags, and they looked heavy too. 

Confused, Himari stopped walking to allow them to catch up. When the girls caught up, they panted heavily and giggled at how ridiculous they looked sprinting with the bags. Eyebrow raised, Himari peeked in a bag, only to find it filled to the top with different kinds of candy. 

When she glanced back up, Moca was wearing her usual playful smirk, “These are from Tomo-chin’s fans.”

“Fans?” she questioned back immediately. Himari knew Tomoe was sort of popular, but this was Kaoru Seta level of fans.

“Yeah. Her girl fans… they REALLY like her, ya know?” she said, smirking in Tomoe’s direction. 

Tomoe sheepishly scratched the back of her head and blushed, “Yeah well… it’s not all from today..” she clarified, and when Himari tilted her head, she quickly added, “Don’t worry, it’s not old. I figured since, I’m definitely not gonna eat this all, we could all eat some at practice.”

“It was my idea, of course. Everyone thank Moca-chan,” she singsonged, starting to walk again. Soon everyone followed suit, making light conversation as they headed to CiRCLE. It was like any other cool autumn day the girls had, minus Ran who was gonna run late that day. They all laughed and joked as the cool breeze passed by. Eventually, they made it to practice.

“We should just eat candy until Ran gets here,” Moca suggested.

To that, Himari frowned, “You know we can’t do that!”

It seemed as if she was expecting that answer, because then Moca held up her weakness, “But Hi-chan… there’s chocolate…” she teased. She could feel her mouth watering at the sight of it.

Tomoe laughed as she put down her bag, “C’mon you guys, let’s save it for when Ran gets here.” 

After that day, Himari started to notice Tomoe’s fans a lot more. It felt like they were everywhere for some reason. At concerts, at school, walking in the mall. It was actually getting a little ridiculous. 

Tomoe was talking to a girl who so clearly had a crush on her one day. Of course, Himari had to see it for herself. The way the girl tried to flip her hair and bat her eyelashes to impress her. Himari watched, and she didn’t realize how tense she got at the sight, until Moca teased her about her balled fists.

Himari walked home by herself that day. As she walked, it felt a little too cold, almost like a winter day. It felt just a little too cloudy for her liking, the beautiful sunset was nowhere to be found. But most importantly, her heart felt a little too erratic, and she couldn’t tell why for the life of her.

She wished it could have stayed that way. Not knowing was awful for a long time, but the ignorance was far less painful than the truth.

—

“Sorry,” Himari spoke over the phone to Ran, “I’m just not feeling well today. I think I caught a cold…” she explained, followed by a fit of coughs. 

“It’s okay… just get better, alright?” Ran said, trying to sound neutral, but Himari knew that deep down, she was truly worried for her. That made Himari’s heart happy, in a way.

“Yeah, yeah, have extra fun for me, okay?” she asked, trying to sound as cheery as she could. Afterglow had plans to go to a family restaurant today, but unfortunately, Himari would miss out. Ran gave her a sure, and that was the end of that conversation.

Being sick sucked, Himari concluded as she lay defeated on her bed. The sun was shining bright outside, and all she could do was stare out from her room as she thought about the other members of Afterglow. It was a beautiful autumn day outside, with the temperature being just right. The perfect day to be with Afterglow, and yet she was stuck. Of course.

Usually the silence was kind to Himari. Her mind could drift off to anything, whether it be school work or the band. But for some reason, she was distracted today. She had found her mind wondering places they had never wandered before as of late. This had never happened before. Never had she thought of her band mates as more than friends. 

What was she saying!? Himari shook her head, to herself, like a loser. She knew she shouldn’t think like that. In fact, it’s probably nothing! That’s right! Nothing to worry about at all. Feelings are always confusing anyway. She was probably doing some overthinking. It’s all fine! 

Repeating that lie, she felt a bit better. An idea popped into her head. Since she couldn’t go to practice with the band, she could just practice on her own here! The dizziness in her head wouldn’t go away, but the bassist decided to ignore that for now. Anything to distract her would do.

The sounds of her bass echoed throughout the room. Himari always thought the bass suited her well. The bass was the supporting part, keeping everyone on beat. As the group leader, she keeps on supporting everyone, that much she was confident in. Her heart filled with delight at the thought of being everyone’s support. It was her favorite part of being in Afterglow.

Deep in thought, she barely heard the sound of the doorbell. Blinking dumbly, it barely registered in her mind that someone was at the door. She slipped on her pink fuzzy slippers and gray sweater and slowly made her way to the door. Turning the knob of the front door, Tomoe’s figure was slowly revealed.

“Ah, there you are. I was worried for a sec…” she laughed awkwardly. Had Himari really taken that long? Maybe she was sicker than she thought. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Tomoe holding brown bags. When Himari glanced back up at her, Tomoe knew the look in those green eyes was a curious one, “I know your parents are out for the week, so when you said you were sick, I was worried. Ah, not that I don’t think you can’t take care of yourself or anything! It’s just that… maybe it would be nice for you, ya know?”

She giggled at how flustered she sounded trying to explain herself, but she didn’t even need to explain herself. Himari understood why she was here, so without a word, she opened the door so Tomoe could enter her home. Making their way to the kitchen, Tomoe set the grocery bags down, and started unpacking the ingredients for what looked like, chicken soup.

“Thank you, Tomoe,” she finally said, voice scratchy and congested. It came out of nowhere, after moments of silence. She stopped preparing the soup for just a second, and Himari could see her ears get red from where she was standing. 

“Don’t mention it,” she said, giving Himari that small smile she loved to wear when she meant something.

And Himari meant it too. Tomoe was always extra kind to her, it seemed. She always remembered the miniscule things about her. Not to mention, she always cared extra about her well being. In a dumb way, Himari felt special, but really she shouldn’t have. After all, Tomoe was like everyone’s big sister. That’s probably how she thought of Himari, too. Just another sister. For some reason, that fact caused her heartache, and she couldn’t exactly pinpoint why.

“Himari?” she heard Tomoe call her name, and looked up upon her voice, “I know you’re sick, but is something else wrong? You’ve seemed kind of down lately.”

She honestly considered telling her right then and there. Telling her what exactly? Himari didn’t even know that herself. It felt wrong to notice all these things. It felt wrong to notice how beautiful Tomoe was when she smiled, and she felt so incredibly guilty for her erratic heartbeat whenever she stared at Himari with those beautiful blue eyes of hers. Everything about Tomoe made her feel at home, and she didn’t know what took her so long to realize it.

Now if only she knew what that meant.

“It’s nothing really,” she began, voice weak from being sick, “I’m being dramatic, like Moca says, heh…” 

“Aw, c’mon, don’t say that. Dramatic or not, your feelings are real.”

Himari peered at her from where she was sitting on the counter, “So, you admit I’m dramatic!”

Tomoe scratched the back of her head, “Well, I mean…” Himari giggled lightly, which then led the maroon haired girl to give a chuckle of her own. Her laugh had always been beautiful…

The light banter between the two continued. Himari sat on the kitchen counter as Tomoe prepared the chicken soup, in which she claimed it was her specialty. Apparently, she took pride in the chicken soup, and explained in great detail why. All while wearing that proud smirk of hers. The conversations they had were random, but lighthearted. Himari wouldn’t have had it any other way.

“You know, we don’t have nicknames for each other,” Himari commented.

“Nicknames? Oh yeah, I guess we don’t.”

“What if I started calling you Tomo-chin?” she asked, just to see the reaction she’d get.

From where she was, she could see Tomoe clearly, and was had a light blush, “Stealing Moca’s nickname for me? Well, you could call me that if you wanted.” This response started Himari’s giggling again.

“Maybe not Tomo-chin, but maybe a new nickname? I’m not creative enough to think of anything, though!” she pouted, which resulted in more of Tomoe’s sultry laughter, “I’m too sick to think.”

“Take it easy, you don’t wanna hurt yourself over there,” Tomoe teased.

“Tomoe!! You’re a big meanie!”

And more pointless chatter…

“I forgot to mention the other day, but I finally nailed that phrase I was having trouble on!” Himari exclaimed happily.

Tomoe perked up, and Himari’s heart skipped a beat, “Oh yeah? That’s great! I knew you could do it!”

Suddenly, Himari pumped her fist up and gave her signature phrase, “Hey, hey, hoh! Say it with me!” she tried to shout, but her voice kept on cracking. This caused Tomoe to laugh even more Himari to pout dramatically. Again.

It was all fine, until she got too comfortable. The conversation that changed everything…

Himari had just got done ranting about how much homework she had. It was stressing her out, Tomoe could tell that much, and she listened attentively, not saying anything to interrupt her. It seemed minuscule, but she said the dumbest thing she could’ve said in that moment.

“Thanks for listening to me,” she smiled, “...If only you were a guy. I’d never let you go.”

She could’ve sworn she saw Tomoe come to a halt for a moment. Or maybe that was time freezing. She tried not to make the shock evident, but it was too late. Himari saw that expression on her face, and it made her want to burst into tears.

“O-Oh yeah? I-“

The beeping of the oven signaled the completion of the soup. Also, interrupting any chance Himari had to make that exchange better.

Her mind was suddenly racing with thoughts she had never had before. What if Tomoe hates me now? What if she thinks I’m weird? I mean… it was weird, wasn’t it? Not only was Tomoe her best friend, but also a girl! That’s totally weird, right? Or is it? 

Tomoe was so kind. She looked out for her friends and family no matter what. Undying loyalty was her middle name. There’s no way she thinks Himari is weird, the comment probably rolled off her shoulder!

It didn’t, Himari heard her mind say. 

Before the tears could start swelling, Tomoe called, “Soups ready!”

—

“Thank you,” Himari said lightly, voice a bit strained as she walked Tomoe out.

Tomoe flashed her a grin, “It’s no problem, really! Couldn’t just leave you here alone, ya know?” God, that was such a Tomoe answer. Always putting herself before others. She giggled softly at that thought.

“No, really, just… thanks, for everything.”

The red haired girl eyebrows furrowed out of concern, “Hey… is everything alright? You haven’t really been yourself,” she said, staring at Himari in the eyes. She couldn’t stand the way those divine eyes stared into her soul. If Tomoe stared long enough, she’d see all the horrible things she was hiding. All those dark secrets would come pouring out of her like the murky rain. But before that could happen, Himari glanced down, then looked back up with her best fake smile.

“I’ll be okay! I think the sickness is getting to my brain…” she joked quietly, “...But don’t tell Moca that, or she’ll tease me!”

When Tomoe flashed a soft smile, she knew that she had seen right through her. However, her response was, “Don’t worry. Your secret’s safe with me,” she joked back as she opened the door, “Anyway, I gotta get going. Text me if you need me. Night!”

“Night, Tomoe.”

As the door shut, Himari simply stood, staring holes into the barrier between the two. It was as if her feet were glued to the floor in that moment. She had no desire to get up and go to her room and go to sleep. She simply… stood, and she didn’t know why. Never in her life had she felt this way, and it was simultaneously one of the most confusing and frustrating things she’s ever felt. 

Her heartbeat was about to beat of her chest and her face felt flushed and hot. Himari wasn’t stupid, she knew that people would tell her one thing. It’s love. 

But Himari refused to believe that this feeling was love. Love was described as something pure; as something life changing. These feelings were not pure in the slightest. They were as dark as the starless, cloudy night sky, one with the moon covered up, and they were as complicated as rocket science. 

That’s why, it can’t be love.

With that thought in mind, Himari finally moved from standing like a statue. She ran to her room, and with no hesitation, the tears started pouring out of her eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed this!! i have more updates coming in the future, so look forward to it :)


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